| I'm taking all you down with me.
Explosives duct taped to my spine
Nothing's gonna change my mind.
I won't listen to anyone's last words;
There's nothing left for you to say
Cause soon you'll be dead anyway
No one here is getting out alive
This time I've really lost my mind and I dont care
So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye
And think about the times we spent and what they meant...
To me it's nothing
I'm losing all my happiness-
The happiness you pinned on me.
My lonliness still comforts me.
My anger dwells inside of me
I'm taking it all out on you
And all the shit you put me through
No one here is getting out alive
This time I've really lost my mind and I dont care
So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye
And think about the times we spent and what they meant...
To me it's nothing
Do you ever think back
To another time?
Does it bring yourself down that you thought you lost your mind?
Do you ever wanna leave a long trail of destruction
And mow down any bullshit that confronts you?
Do you ever build up all the small things in your head
To make one thought that all adds up to nothing?
To me it's nothing...
 | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| just wrote it. here you go.
A marching funeral procession came down on my rainy day;
The sweet scent of misery.
I invited myself to look inside the casket.
The face looked just like me..
Grey with a velveteen touch;
I've never wanted so much
To just climb in and drift away.
Severed the heart strings
And all the deep music has gone;
No reason left now to stay.
Thoughts running cold
And the reaper has more yet to say
While I'm dreaming of nothing.
The flowers surrounding the tomb
Where I'm supposed to lay
Leave me long to feel something.
How bitter the silence tastes,
Locked in a memory race
Where windows are blackened with ash.
I'm finding the smallest truths
Are the hardest to come by
With hope dripping through each eyelash.
Was there a point here?
The moon knows the innocence lost
And I know the confines:
A hole by the bayside;
A home in a velveteen box
Where I'm dead on the inside | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i wish i lived closer to Kris. i miss him like hell. we dont talk much anymore and that makes me very sad. we talked a lot before the breakup because.... i didnt have any friends and i never left my house. but now that i'm getting out a lot more and hes working and in school we dont talk much. it scares me, for one thing. and hes my best friend.. i love him to death. i just wish we were closer, thats all. but it cant happen so i dunno why i'm worrying. he said he doesnt mind me being out like i am now. but i thought maybe hes just saying that so i wont feel bad. its my medicine, i wasnt like this when they had me on it before. i was getting better. now i feel like the same old me again. well, whether we talk or not, i still love him. and thats what counts i suppose. i just wish he was here or i was there. oh well...
i cannot speak, i've lost my voice, i'm speechless and redundant cause "i love you's" not enough; i'm lost for words... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| went bowling last night with Wiggett, Steve, Tia, and James. i got my ass whooped. and i bought these wristbands out of a machine for 50 cents and the ones on display had designs and shit. and i kept getting red and black ones. i paid $1.50 for washcloths. bastards. but anyway... i think Tia kicked everyone's asses. i didnt even break 50. i didnt really care tho. i kinda gave up at the end. cause i was doing so bad. James stole their bowling shoes. i'm jealous. i want some. theyre coooooooool. Wiggett is like... starting to smoke again or something. he keeps stealing drags off my cigarettes and taking them. i'm a bad influence. i felt terrible.
i went to the psycologist a few days ago. i dunno if i posted about it. she was nice. her name is Vicki. it was boring tho... i like group therapy better. cause there was a lot of very awkward silences. i mean when youre telling someone your innermost thoughts and feelings and then theres just...... silence.... and they stare at you like youre supposed to say somethin else.. it isnt comfortable. but she was nice. i gotta go back on Wednesday. then on Friday i have to see my psychiatrist, Dr Patel. and tell him my fucking meds arent working right. they changed the times on me and they dont work like they used to. they barely work at all. i mean yeah, they keep me from killing myself but thats about it. i dont feel happy. i dont feel calm. oh well.
i guess i ran out of stuff to say. besides i miss Kris. *sigh* | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Funeral For A Friend - "Red is the New Black" | | Subject: | miserable | | Time: | 11:17 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/sad.gif) crying |
|
| | i feel like shit. i'm off my medications. i forgot to take them last night. i hate being on them but i can't stand myself when i dont take them. i want to die again | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| im so bored. theres shitloads of snow outside and it wont stop snowing. and im not aloud to do anything. and i dont know where my Kris is but i miss him. i have nobody to talk to. last night james actually won in monopoly. it was the shocker of the century. he whomped our asses. wiggett and i even teamed up at the end and we still lost. and then we went to wendys and got food and james was screaming "CAN I PAY YOU WITH MY SEEEEX?" at the drive-thru guy. i laughed. i was gunna help them paint james' house today but the snow blows. haha. i rhymed. but i'm babysitting for wiggum after i see my psycologist on tuesday. that should be fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. if i gauge my eyeballs out i'll sell them to somebody on ebay or something.
i dont know what else to write. but i am so bored. and i miss my baby :( COME BACK TO MEEEEE | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i just talked to Kalman. i havent heard from him since i was in the hospital. hes not at that Travel Lodge Inn or whatever the hell it was anymore. i forgot to ask where hes living now. he sounded okay. hes a good kid. i feel bad for him.. losing his mom and not having a place to live and all. but he sounded like he was doing good so thats good. he said Judy got kicked out of her house.. no wonder i havent heard from her in a while. i saw it coming tho. i wonder where she lives now... if she has anywhere to live. i feel bad for her too. shes got a lot of... drug problems mostly. she just doesnt want the help. thats why she was in the hospital but somehow it just didnt get thru to her. oh well
i'm bored. i wish i had a car. i'd just go driving by myself. that would suit me fine. or i'd take a drive to Massachusetts. i'd get so lost tho. o well. i'd learn. i wouldnt have a problem if i got lost, its the fact that anything can go wrong with a car and when youre that far from home it kinda sucks. like when Kris's car broke down in Mahwah and his dad had to come all the way from Mass to get us.that would scare me if i was alone. but other than that, i'd drive there if i could. i miss Kris. a bundle. hahaha bundle is a funny word. its kind of like bungle. hahahahhahah. oh man. im bored. i think my computer has a virus and thats why i cant get my cd burner to work right but i dont have any virus ass kickin software to help. so bah. BAH HUMBUG TO YOU.
AND GREEN DAY IS COMING BACK TO TOUR THE US IN APRIL. I MUST GO DAMMIT. I MUST</h2>
so now i'll sit here and rock out to my music. goodbye | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Anberlin - "Glass to the Arson" | | Subject: | Our Lady of Disdain | | Time: | 04:02 pm | | Current Mood: | lonely |
|
| Dark seasons fell before me as I crashed into the sky.
My condolenses to those I've grown apart.
Emotions surfaced in my veins, so on a shelf I watched them die.
It's a better place than here inside my heart.
I'm right here, but I'm not all there.
Where was that voice that should've cared?
Strange how nothing grows so deep
And bleeds before I fall asleep.
Ghosts of my rejection hold my head up to the sun
While they're weeping.
Eye-level with the horror and the beast that I've become
While I'm bleeding
I'm still right here but I'm not all there.
I shared the pain that I shouldn't bare.
Ask once more if I'd do it again.
Ask once more if there's room to mend.
Is this the last of the nightmares?
Is this the last time no one cares? | | comments: Leave a comment |
|
You Are 19 Years Old |
19
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
|
| BEKKIE |
| B |
is for |
Bewitching |
| E |
is for |
Earthy |
| K |
is for |
Kind |
| K |
is for |
Kind |
| I |
is for |
Innocent |
| E |
is for |
Enthusiastic |
what a sack of bullshit | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Mad Caddies - "No Hope (live)" | | Time: | 11:25 am | | Current Mood: | pessimistic |
|
| Feelin kinda lonely. I'm trying to distract myself and whatnot so I don't notice I'm alone. It's easier said than done. However, I did watch this DVD i got with the Rock Against Bush vol 2. They have comedy and music videos and political shorts. But I watched the one and it absolutely... made me sick. It was about how Bush and the republican assholes fixed the 2000 election. And they went down the list of voters, and took something like 53% of the black voters, changed their information so it said they were criminals, and then told them they couldn't vote. And half of them were never convicted of a crime in their lives. One guy was a MINISTER. Just watching it made me nauscious. And people wonder why I said I'm embarassed to be an American...
Anyway, I found this thing in James' journal and figured i'd post it in mine. Sorry it's so long... I have a lot of interests in my profile *blush*
How common are ACHTUNG_MISERY's interests | | comments: Leave a comment |
| State of fear, an explosion right outside my door.
Well, it seems there's a lot of profit to be made from war.
When we all know the answers, one question remains...
How did we end up this way?
Scream out loud. Let yourself be heard.
The cycle is never ending; There's a lesson to be learned.
When we all know the answers, one question remains...
How did we end up this way?
(I'm waiting for the day) when conviction will break them apart.
How did we end up this way?
I don't want to be a part of it anyway.
I wasn't made to serve you in any way.
With our hands held tight No we're not going anywhere.
It happens again, like it happened before.
It happens again, no more | | comments: Leave a comment |
| okay so now my journal is all set and ready to go. hi. now i may begin to write
Yesterday i was supposed to hang out with James but.. his brakes stopped working. He has yet to fix them. So today he said we'd hang out.. but now he's going to NYC to help Melinda move. So I'll just be sitting at home today I suppose. On Sunday tho I'm going with him and Wiggett to some motorsports thing... i have no idea what it is but at least it'll get me out of the house. Since the hospital program not only have I learned how important it is for me to get out of the house, but that I'm very cranky if I don't get to sometimes. Not cranky really... I just get depressed. I spent 2 years inside this house and now I know I need to be out more.. I'm a lot happier when I'm around people. Not even friends, just people in general. I'm not saying that when I'm home I'm miserable. I love being at home talkin to Kris, or just drawing and writing and listening to music. But every day doing that gets to be... depressing. Just being couped up. If I had a car it wouldnt be a problem. I could just go drive somewhere, come back, go drive, come back. lol. Just to get out for a little while. but until then, this'll have to do.
AND BEHOLD THE FACE OF DOOM!
BRU HAHAHAAAAAAAA
okay I'm done. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| well, i've done it again. gotten meself another online journal. this one shall be more... theraputic. i think. oh well.
i dont have anything to say right now. i just did this cause im trying to change the colors and whatnot and i cant tell what im doing without anything written in the journal. so shoo. i'll write later | | comments: Leave a comment |
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